BATF-F FIELD AGENT TEE

Description

(Inventory Disposal Report – Agent J.L. Porter)

SUBJECT: BATF-F Field Agent Tee (Box #14C)

LOCATION: Sub-Basement Archive 3B, Room 1 (formerly Agent T.W. Dunlap’s office)

STATUS: Declassified for civilian liquidation

While excavating Dunlap’s office for digitization, I found a sealed box marked “FIELD AGENT UNIFORMS – DO NOT DISTRIBUTE.”
The paperwork dates back to the late ’90s—around the time Dunlap started ordering things “just in case of new recruits.”
Considering he vanished in 2008 and the department sat untouched for eleven years, I’m confident these shirts qualify as abandoned assets.
To free shelf space (and maybe recover part of my supply budget), I’m authorizing their release to the public.
They’re surprisingly well-constructed: thick, soft, and built to survive both fieldwork and decades of bureaucratic neglect.
Owning one does not grant federal authority, though it may invite unwanted conversations with people who think it does.

SPECIFICATIONS (from surviving paperwork):

• 100% ring-spun cotton, 6.1 oz/yd² (206.8 g/m²)
• Garment-dyed for that “stored-since-the-Clinton-era” look
• Relaxed fit – approved for extended desk duty or unsanctioned stakeouts
• Double-needle stitching; twill-taped neck and shoulders for endurance under duress
• Blank sourced from Honduras; rediscovered, repurposed, and reluctantly sold in the USA

Fit Note:
Comfort Colors tees run a touch more fitted than some styles. Order your usual size for a relaxed but not baggy fit, or size up for maximum comfort, layering, and post-campfire lounging.

FRONT PRINT – Field Issue Insignia
Left-chest mark of the BATF-F
Discreet enough for daily wear; technically identifies you as an investigator of “cryptid-related alcohol abduction”
Please don’t flash it at actual law enforcement.

BACK PRINT – Official Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Folklore Emblem
Full bureau crest, used on evidence folders and wherever you want your sanity questioned.
Wearing it will not open any restricted doors, but it might open a tab.

LEFT SLEEVE — BF-01 Identifier (Field Reference Mark)

Printed along the left sleeve is the BF-01 designation, the Bureau’s internal shorthand for “Beerfoot-Related Incidents.” The original intent, according to the surviving paperwork, was to allow agents to identify case category at a glance while in the field.

Given that I remain the only member of the “field,” and that no one has ever glanced at my sleeves for official information, this feature is now being repurposed for public educational outreach (or whatever phrasing satisfies accounting).

The mark includes a scannable code linking directly to the encounter reporting portal.
Please note: this is not an official credential, and flashing your arm at local authorities will not improve any interaction, historically speaking.

NOTE: Proceeds go toward archival expenses, mostly printer ink, coffee filters, and existential upkeep.
If anyone from accounting asks, tell them it was a public-education initiative.

– Agent Jonah L. Porter
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Folklore
(Archival Conversion Unit – Basement Level)